Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Stop sending me this shit.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.