My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

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Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh


me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it


Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*


Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’


*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*


*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?


My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?


I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.


Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.


During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.