Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.