Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
#ParentingFacts
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.