Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Beware of the dog..
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”