My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
ACED my prostate exam!
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.