My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
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My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I can’t stop laughing at this
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …