“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
reduce, reuse, recycle
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.