My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”