My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
another case of gang violins
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.