Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?