My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
*sewing*
A thread
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.