My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

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Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease


If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.


i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.


For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once


My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.


Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.


A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps


If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.


Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming


[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys