@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

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@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@LuvPug

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

@AntozWolf

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

@DaveSirus

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

@WetzelGeek

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

@Ristolable

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

@murrman5

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim