@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

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@BigJDubz

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

@TheAlexNevil

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

@Kauaibride

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

@thatUPSdude

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once

@radtoria

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

@AimByWhiskey

Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.

@Sickayduh

A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps

@LittleMissZesty

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@thombodytolove

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys