[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.