My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me


Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.


I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.


me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”


When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.


dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do


astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit


When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.


Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did