me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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Me: Can you hear me?
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did