My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
For the ones in the back.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.