My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
You Might Also Like
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor