I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was