If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Good boy 😂😂
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown