Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.