[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing