My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH