@QwertyJones3

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

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@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@Jake_Vig

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@Eagle_Vision

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.

@jenlaw_11

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@Spaziotwat

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

@birbigs

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

@tigersgoroooar

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH