My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”