@Overxposd

My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

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@hoeroins

someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year

@trojansauce

ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too
DATE:wow we should all meet up
[cut to us at a house of mirrors]
DATE: your brother is quiet

@WheelTod

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

@FaisalAdam_

I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”

@SardonicTart

[Gone for an hour]

Boss: Where have you been?

Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.

@UnFitz

When my daughter was 2 she pointed at a squirrel and shouted “Look, a scurry-el!” so if you’re still using the old name you need to get with it.

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

@Tmoney68

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.