GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”
I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names” – WTF? I’ve been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.
Personal question. #JustSaying
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers