@Overxposd

My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

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@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@heatherlou_

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

@dreadnaught69

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

@Peauxtassium

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

@Taryn_

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

@daddydoubts

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@TZSqueezy

Me: I want a…

Debit card: Nope.

Me: Ok. Just making sure.