My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

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someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year


ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too
DATE:wow we should all meet up
[cut to us at a house of mirrors]
DATE: your brother is quiet


A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet


I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”


[Gone for an hour]

Boss: Where have you been?

Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.


When my daughter was 2 she pointed at a squirrel and shouted “Look, a scurry-el!” so if you’re still using the old name you need to get with it.


You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away


My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff


My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.