My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.


I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.


People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop


Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s


That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.


Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.


BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer


Me: I want a…

Debit card: Nope.

Me: Ok. Just making sure.