@Overxposd

My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

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@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

@LeonEarlgrey

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

@imadepoopstoday

“Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names” – WTF? I’ve been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.

@flashember

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

@ladybroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@JustMug

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers