Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.