@myonlymizztake

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

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@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@Shenaniglenns

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

@IamEnidColeslaw

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

@Tmoney68

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef