Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale