My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

You Might Also Like


picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked


I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.


[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*


A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.


Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.


Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.


Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]


Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something


are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked


“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef