@PimpleEye

My ex’s ex and my left hand are dating.

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@Aspersioncast

When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.

@useful_wagon

Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras

@daplusk

Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells ‘who arted’ and i feel i failed as i should’ve thought of that joke

@MartinUrbano

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

@robin_991

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@suecorvette

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

@KevinBuffalo

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

@stefani6124

I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist’s office…

Because I’m like, “Hey, you’re crazy too? Cool.”