My ex’s ex and my left hand are dating.

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When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.


Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras


Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells ‘who arted’ and i feel i failed as i should’ve thought of that joke


When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised


Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids


kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”


if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years


Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava


I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist’s office…

Because I’m like, “Hey, you’re crazy too? Cool.”