Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
🤣🤣🤣