Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My car is 13 years old.
I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”
I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.
If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping…