@youngestneil

My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth

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@Tmoney68

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@johnbiehl

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

@skittle624

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

@RobertManchild

My car is 13 years old.

I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.

@_davidlucas_

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

@TheMichaelRock

A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

@Jawwwwwsh

Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”

@_salt_n_lime

I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.