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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.