Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“my eye is up here”
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]
*whiney voice* “it’s windy”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops