@AndyAsAdjective

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

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@That_kids_dad

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

@StarWarsProblms

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

@novixv

[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]

*whiney voice* “it’s windy”

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@Token_Geezer

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

@daemonic3

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@ArfMeasures

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops