“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.


According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.


Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~


Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they’re so cute.
Me: These ugly Sketchers I’m wearing have insides made out of memory foam.


That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.


“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”


[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!


ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.


If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?


Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.


Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die