@AndyAsAdjective

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

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@sofarrsogud

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@VanVeenB

Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they’re so cute.
Me: These ugly Sketchers I’m wearing have insides made out of memory foam.

@joeljeffrey

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

@grimpossible

“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”

@UncleDuke1969

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

@Parentpains

If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?

@AnniemuMary

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

@SuperTeeWhy

Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die