My eyes are brown with tiny flecks of narcissism.

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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.


Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards


Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid


I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”


Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna


No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.


Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..

Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.


My ex got run down by a bus today.

I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”

But I can’t drive a bus.


“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.