wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You Might Also Like
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences