She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My eyes are brown with tiny flecks of narcissism.
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Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.
[sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap
Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..
Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.
My ex got run down by a bus today.
I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”
But I can’t drive a bus.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.