My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.