I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“This is bullshit” – bull farmer giving barn tours
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Her: I love One Direction
Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass