“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Krampus.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me sliding into hell like