@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

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@YourMomsucksTho

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@LlamaInaTux

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

@DaHess1

A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.

@AnniemuMary

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

@zakagan

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

@Jerrypleasure

[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass