“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
How did we not see this back then?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Feels like there should be a middle ground
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
not to brag, but mine was free
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
These are my roll models.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no