I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
🍞🦆
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
White Castle for the Win
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.