@KPsych29

My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.

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@longwall26

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

@MagsWoodward

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

@Travon

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.

@ThisOneSayz

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

@_CherriAnn_

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

@GroperCleveland

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.