One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?
-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Just a reminder, folks:
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.