My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water