My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.