My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
wow
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Schrödinger’s cookie
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Me: Same
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?