@_little_old_me

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

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@RoastedPapad

[Interview]
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.

@jazmasta

My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.

@thepaulahunt

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

@rockymomax

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

@FeelingFisky

replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”

@nyquills

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

@WilliamAder

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

@Lisabug74

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.