I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.