My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

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I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.


Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.


Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.


My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.


Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.


“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.


Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.


Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.


I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.