HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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What doesn’t kill you, tries again.
My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.