my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
waiting for halloween be like:
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?