My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
You Might Also Like
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.