My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Everything reminds me of my ex
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing