@meganamram

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

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@tigersgoroooar

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

@boozemunkee

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

@Slims_Ramblings

“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”

Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?

@fightforfood

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

@mdob11

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

@JimmerThatisAll

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.