My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis đ
You Might Also Like
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
When you’ve simply given up.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts youâll hint for a Rolex all year & sheâll turn up with a jar thatâs filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
That was easy.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if Iâve learned anything as a mom itâs to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me: Iâm gonna take a nap
Him: ok Iâll go in the next room and make lots of noise
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
me trying to get a bartenderâs attention
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Iâm no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if âEdgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet bookâ and my kids share that familyâs genes.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
bananaphobia: when you donât have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Nelly Furtado: Iâm like a bird, Iâll only fly away
A bird: youâve got me there
Nelly: I donât know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched âMOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!â so you guys just go ahead without me