@BoomBoomBetty

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

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@TomatoTomoto1

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@Mom_Overboard

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

@ThugRaccoons

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

@Jake_Vig

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine

@thetigersez

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

@WilliamRodgers

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!