My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?
Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!