My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
What the hell happened here.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I love hard, but I stupid harder.