@daemonic3

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

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@steveolivas

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@pleatedjeans

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

@IamEveryDayPpl

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@ericsshadow

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

@jonnysun

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@rickolantern

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]