GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I don’t have a mental problem, I have mental problems…plural.
But how come Tarzan didn’t have a beard?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*