My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
The news is so predictable nowadays
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”