My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
choose your fighter
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Same post same
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.