My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Oh thanks BBC.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.