My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
guys I’m going home
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO