My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Airports shops be like, sure you鈥檝e got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
latin students necrophiliacs
馃
enjoying a dead tongue
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren鈥檛 late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Being married means never having to say you鈥檙e angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?