“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.