My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
🤣🤣🤣
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?